Grief Club: The Podcast with Addison Brasil
Inspired by his bestselling book, First Year of Grief Club: A Gift From A Friend Who Gets It, Addison Brasil uses the experiments and offerings as a launching point for deeper conversations with friends and experts. Equal parts "honour the journey" and "find the funny," this is for real people navigating real-life grief. You in? Stay tuned for all things mental health, resilience, comedy, mindset, and life after-loss ideas. (mygriefclub.com)
This podcast is for you if you if you have ever searched: How to deal with grief? Where can I get grief support? What are the 5 stages of grief and are they real? How does grief affect mental health?How do I cope with grief and loss? What are some common myths about grief and how can I debunk them? How long does it take to recover from grief What are some healthy ways to deal with grief? How can I support someone who is grieving? What is complicated grief and how is it different from normal grief? What are the physical symptoms of grief and how can I manage them? How can I find a grief support group or counselor? Why does grief hurt so bad?
Grief Club: The Podcast with Addison Brasil
Lets Talk About Our (Dead) Dads: How to Honor Lost Loved Ones with Chris Caron
In this special episode on the 11th Anniversary of my father, Henry Brasil's passing by suicide, my dear friend, Chris Caron, and I invite you to share a poignant journey with us, as we navigate the complex terrains of grief and memories, particularly the heartache and growth we've experienced since our fathers passed away. We hope our candid conversation of getting to know each other's fathers illuminates the diverse faces of grief, extending beyond the common association with funerals, and serving as a comforting echo for those who find themselves walking a parallel path.
Our reminiscence takes us through some of the fondest memories of our fathers and the life lessons they left behind. Chris paints a vivid portrait of his father, Richard Edmond Caron, capturing the essence of his creativity, his hobbies, and the pride he exuded in Chris's journey. From jovial tales of singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" to the somber realization of the silent struggles our fathers shouldered, we peel back the layers of their personalities and humanize rather than eulogize these fully feeling, fully flawed humans we called Dad.
As we delve deeper, we reflect on the fatherly advice we carry in our hearts, the embarrassing moments that still trigger a chuckle, and the void their absence has carved in our lives. Addison offers a unique perspective on grief, sharing how he manages his post-traumatic response (after finding his father from suicide loss) and views his father's memory as a source of peace and comfort. Together, we share our insights on coping with loss, making sense of memories, and finding a glimmer of hope in the overwhelming darkness of grief. Walk this journey with us as we honor our fathers, our heroes, in an episode that promises to be as raw as it is comforting.
This is based on Week in the book First Year of Grief Club: A Gift From A Friend Who Gets It. Where we normalize a way to work past survivors' guilt and set up a format to use with a grief peer to talk about our lost loved ones.
Where Can I Find More of Chris?
@chriscaron
Hosted By: Addison Brasil
Author of First Year Of Grief Club: A Gift From A Friend Who Gets It
www.mygriefclub.com
@sharemygriefclub
@addisonbrasil
I'm Addison, BRasil. Reef Club. The podcast starts now. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Reef Club, the podcast where I take parts of my book first year of Reef Club A Gift from a Friend who Gets it and use them as launching points for deeper conversations with special guests and friends. This week we're at the point in the book where we start to talk about survivor's guilt for the first time and the idea of going on without our loved ones, maybe going to places that we only went with them and having experiences that we didn't think we'd have without these people in our lives. In addition, this is a very special episode because it is airing on the anniversary of my own father's passing. So in that spirit, I've decided this week to invite one of my dearest friends, chris Caron, to talk to me about the loss of a father and how he's moved forward. So welcome to the show, chris.
Chris Caron:Thank you so much. I'm already crying, so I think we're in for a winding road here. My name is Chris Caron Addison and I have been friends for just under 10 years, but I lost my dad 12 years prior to that, so 22 years ago. I'm gonna age myself. I'm 38 years old now and at age 16, my dad died of lung cancer Obviously a very challenging time for a young man to lose the man in his life. My dad was diagnosed when I was 14 years old, so the journey kind of began then, kind of set the table for what the rest of my life was gonna look like. Since 16, I have found a lot of creative and interesting ways to get over grief. I've experienced a lot more where that came from, and because of my early experiences I was kind of well-equipped to navigate the next ones. So I'm really excited to honor my dad today and to honor your dad and to learn more about him, especially leading up to the anniversary.
Addison Brasil:I love it. Before we go any further, we're gonna do what we do every week and I'm just gonna ask you to take a deep breath and we're gonna check in and I'm gonna ask you after that deep breath, in one word, right now, how are you feeling physically?
Chris Caron:I'm feeling strong Physically strong.
Addison Brasil:I'm gonna say calm In one word. How are you feeling mentally?
Chris Caron:I would say feeling calm.
Addison Brasil:You say intrigued, and in one word, how are you feeling emotionally?
Chris Caron:I will say, when you were giving the intro. So this is more than one word already. But when you were giving the intro I started to feel sad. So I would say, emotionally, I'm feeling a little sad to be revisiting this section of my life.
Addison Brasil:I'm gonna say hopeful, and I don't know why, and I don't need to explain.
Chris Caron:You did say one word, one word answer.
Addison Brasil:I know, but everybody breaks that rule. The next thing we have to do is, in a way of housekeeping, is something I ask every guest that comes on the show, which you may have heard before, is if a kid walked up to you and asked you, what does the word grief mean? How would you explain grief to a kid?
Chris Caron:I would explain grief as figuring out the personal ways that you can deal with something that has been incredibly challenging, because grief doesn't always show up in the way that we're about to dive in. So I think a kid needs to know that death is not the only time they're going to experience grief.
Addison Brasil:Yes, yes, indeed, and I think that's kind of what makes our friendship special and I have a few other friendships like this but there's this extra knowingness that is not the norm. I mean, it's not normal for us in our friend groups that we didn't have dads from such a young age and it is this sort of special thing. But what at least I've recognized is just like everyone else through my 20s and early 30s is all the other types of grief processes that they've gone through is like the relationships and the loss of what they thought life would be, and like not getting the job they thought they wanted or into the college, which are all like full grief processes. But we just don't call them that like in the same way and we don't recognize them that. But I think such a good point that like if someone pulled me aside and said you will feel grief about more than just when there's a funeral as a kid, I think that's extremely helpful and I would have loved to hear that earlier. So I'm glad I asked you that.
Chris Caron:Yeah, spoiler alert, I listened to your last podcast which prepared me for that answer. Okay, thank you for that.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, everyone who listens to my podcast will know that if I'm having a close friend on, I'm trying desperately to behave for the next hour and that humor is my ultimate way of getting out of going into the deep in the sad. But I really am going to check in with you now and we're going to do something special today and I loved this idea when we came up with it. It's kind of the let's talk about our dad's conversation and it's something that people could do with another peer or friend or grief sibling, as I call them in the book, someone else in the grief arena, where maybe you didn't know each other at the time where you lost the person, and you can just alternate asking questions, giving both people a chance to kind of speak about who they're honoring but also get to know them. I was saying to Chris yesterday I think this would also be like just a really cool time capsule.
Addison Brasil:Maybe one day my own kids listen to this and this is one of the ways they get to know a little bit more about maybe who their grandfather was or my future partner, who their father-in-law would have been. I just I kind of love that idea and people can take this and do it with them. So I do not know Chris's questions and Chris doesn't know mine. We're both going to ask a question, alternating, but we will both answer each other's and our own. So, with that being said, would you like to go first?
Chris Caron:Oh, I didn't know we were answering our own too.
Addison Brasil:I would have been. So oh, yeah, okay.
Chris Caron:I want to preface this exercise by saying that I wrote them at four o'clock in the morning, so and I haven't revisited them since. Perfect, so the first one that I have is what is the favorite trip or vacation or like extracurricular experience that you've had with your dad?
Addison Brasil:I think when we were young, after my parents divorced, we used to go to this place up north. It was sort of like like I don't know like a resort where the dads would play golf during the day and we'd be in the play center or doing tennis lessons or whatever. But I have this like very specific memory of like I'm sure obviously you remember the song like whoop, there it is, yeah, and basically for that entire weekend and maybe even that entire summer, anytime we wanted my dad to like do anything for us or bias anything or whatever he would. He would make us do whoop, there it is. And like do the dance move. And like circle our hips. And I was a shy, shy child and I hated this game. My brother loved it but I hated it. And so just imagine, just throughout this entire resort, every time you're like, oh, can I go in the pool, and he'd be like do the thing.
Addison Brasil:I don't know why, but that is just like always, but like he would do it too, and just like picturing him. Do like the whoop. There it is. It's just like one of my like gold mine memories. So that's what came up right away.
Chris Caron:Yeah, I obviously had something in mind when I wrote the question and we went on what became our final family vacation to this resort I think it was called Pama Stelmar, in Puerto Rico, and my dad and I went for a swim, while my sister and my mom went and did something else, and I got taken under and I was taken for such a ride to the point and I too was kind of like I was a kid that was kind of scared of my own shadow.
Chris Caron:I was a kid that if a parent said you can swim out to that buoy, and that is it, I would swim out to that buoy and I would stay put while my sister would be like on somebody's boat, like probably having a cocktail. So I was tumbling and tumbling and tumbling and my dad came in and tried to get me and in doing so he lost the chain or the metal that belonged to my grandfather. It got pulled off of him and not only did I feel like he was such a hero for, like, getting me out of that situation, but the following day we went for a walk on the beach and we went for a walk on the beach and that metal came into shore in the water right in front of us and my dad got that metal back and that's just something that I remember. Just being like man, this guy could do anything, you know. Yeah, no, I love that.
Addison Brasil:Some of these are going to be deeper and some of these are going to be like sort of housekeeping, like we were truly getting to know, like my first one is what was your dad's full name? And I think that's a great question what was your dad's full name and how old would he be today?
Chris Caron:His full Sorry. His full name is Richard Edmund Karen and I share a middle name with him and a last name and he would be 70. I believe he would be 76, 77.
Addison Brasil:Okay, yeah, so.
Chris Caron:Rand I might have 76.
Addison Brasil:Have we talked about this before? Like, my dad's name is Henry Tomas Brazil, or the Portuguese Enrique Tomas Brazil, but I am also a Tomas middle name, so I share the middle name as well. Wow, and he would be 62. And you know what? As the pickle ball goes, it's your serve again.
Chris Caron:Okay, let's see what I got here. What songs remind you of your dad?
Addison Brasil:Knocked Three Times on the Ceiling by Tony Orlando and Don is like instant to my dad. In fact we knocked three times on his casket before we saw it the last time. That like that's how, like loving that song was for us and he used to embarrass the hell out of me singing Elton John and Kiki D Don't Go Breaking my Heart like full of blast, with the windows open and the car just like blasting it out. So those two songs I would say are the, yeah, the two. What about you?
Chris Caron:We mentioned it last night. We came on Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. I will always remind me of my dad. And then there's a lot. Kota Chrome by Paul Simon will always remind me of my dad, and there was one other on the tip of my tongue. Oh, the whole tapestry album.
Addison Brasil:What was your dad doing when you picture this? What was your dad doing when he was happiest?
Chris Caron:Um, golfing, playing basketball. He was on three baseball teams and then he was a real family man. Something that's kind of cool about my dad and I'm sure this will come up later but he was kind of like a rough and tumble guy who grew up in Queens, on the streets of Queens, and if you picture like someone in a you know, a 1950s kid in a white tank top playing baseball in the street, like my dad is the picture of that, and he also had an incredibly sensitive and creative side, and so he would come home from work, he would ride his bike home from the train and take 30 minutes to himself to do something creative, whether that be sketching, playing the guitar, writing, bird watching, anything that was like kind of calming and like obviously bird watching isn't creative, but you get. You get the just a complete, a complete sensitive side that the rest of the world didn't necessarily see, and so I often think about that and maybe, maybe doing one of those activities too is something that comes to mind.
Addison Brasil:I don't think my dad could be alone for five minutes, definitely golfing like very seriously loved golfing, talking, joking, dancing and, just like you know, I kind of see him like glowing like when he would like be. I don't know any chance he had to like brag about us Like it wasn't like I'm not just saying this, but like it really. Like he just really lit up, like he really was like a fan of us, even when we didn't understand it. Like he just like loved telling people about us and like I can remember, like because I was young, obviously like just like seeing it at the corner of my eye, like at a like competition or whatever and being like shut up, you know like just before I like and like that one, that's my son right there, the one that was on stage and you know, whatever, like you know, he was big on that, so that I appreciated obviously a lot more now.
Addison Brasil:Back then I was like please, sir, please, please, stop talking.
Chris Caron:I have a fun story. I was a kid who was struggling to come out and I knew that I was gay from a really young age, and so did my family, but I didn't necessarily come to terms with that. That's a conversation for a different episode. But I do have a vision of my dad as I was in the center of my living room singing like somewhere over the rainbow, truly probably like in a dress and Ruby slippers, and everyone else in the family was kind of like you know like, feeling a little weird about it, and my dad was like all right, you know, like as if it was the winning touchdown of the high school football game. So I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Addison Brasil:Somewhere in my mother will be listening to this going oh, you're not gonna share your your Ruby slippers story, addison. And I'm like no, kim, I'm not if you're listening out there, but my dad was also very fine with my wish to defy stage.
Chris Caron:I will say that why do we all have it?
Addison Brasil:Yeah, well, exactly it's. Is it you or is it me? No, it's you, because I asked what was your dad's happiest? Yeah, so question three.
Chris Caron:What's one valuable lesson your dad taught you that you carry with you today and you will pass on to your children.
Addison Brasil:I knew there would be questions like this I like, how. Also, I told you yesterday that I'm trying to say I'm less and I just like. But this is the type of episode where you say I'm a lot and anybody who's ever grieved will know that like, how do I not cry and answer this question? So I'm gonna do it. I think, see, this is like I have it tied into like one of the questions I was asking.
Addison Brasil:But I'm just gonna go with the flow of this and just say that my dad was always where he said he was gonna be and I noticed from a very young age that that was not true for most the majority of adults, you know he always did what he said he was gonna do and it was always where he said he was gonna be, Like in terms of even just like anytime he picked me up, like if my dad was even like five minutes late, like I was sure something happened, Like he just was always there.
Addison Brasil:And the value of that you know, and the value of and you've seen this with me but trying to deeply connect with everyone you know, and bringing in people who unexpectedly, like you, just met, Like if I meet somebody and I'm like, oh, you should come to this with us next week. Like I just loved how he always sort of tried to bring in other people and the value of how naturally you can build community if you're just willing to like get past your own shyness and really help other people with theirs. I think would be the biggest thing that definitely comes from him. For me it's just that idea of sort of you know, invite everybody over, kind of thing.
Chris Caron:Yeah, yeah For me. My dad would famously say this ain't no dress rehearsal. And I think he really lived the life that he was given to the fullest. He had so much fun, he had so many friends. He had such a full life he had such every bucket was full, you know. His work life was filled with successes and with friendships. His home life was filled with a loving wife and two children that adored him, you know, and he it's funny, you were talking. I forget exactly what it was, but my dad had a signature dance move at weddings. And when I say what's the lesson that I learned from my dad, it's to dance through life in that same fashion, because once he was out there, he didn't care and he made everyone have the best time around him. And he also had a contagious laugh, and I like to think that I have a contagious laugh and I can fill the room with laughter. That's something that I got from my dad.
Addison Brasil:Actually so wild how I like our dots Henry's dance move, which all of my buddies, if they're listening from the old days we'll know we called it the hammer and it was like this very aggressive dance move that he loved to do at weddings in Charity Gallus. But same thing, life of the party and just like really. You know, just lived for that. So I love that. Hey, grief Club. It's Addy.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, I am back talking during the ad, which should be your well-deserved break from listening to me talk. But we know, sometimes that's not how it works. I just wanted to say, if you are really enjoying this, if you are feeling connected, a little less isolated and going I only get this once a week how can I stay connected throughout the rest of the week? The answer is social media. Now remember, when you're using social media, we want to use conscious consumption and that's what I always promise at Share my Grief Club. I'll put it in the show notes. Anything that I don't create, I consciously curate and it's all designed to help people on their way, to honor their journey and if all else fails, find the funny. We'll see you there, my turn. It says what surprised you most about your dad during his cancer battle.
Chris Caron:I think his cancer battle was very, very, very, very, very, very challenging in that If he was not in the hospital, he would have been in the hospital. There was a hospital bed in my parents' bedroom and he had screws and metal on his head and all of this stuff. So I would say that we really lost the version of my dad that we knew at age 14. And so during the battle, I don't necessarily think that he had the wherewithal or the, the, the, the, the he had the wherewithal or the, the ability to, to impress, if that makes sense. But what I will say is that he was still devoted to getting a video of my production of Little Shop of Horrors or getting my mom to take him to see me in Jesus Christ, the first star with, like you know, a neck brace and all of this stuff. So I would say maybe in the earlier days, like the, the, the dedication to family, that remained true. And and the fight I mean it was a, it was a two year fight- so I'll inverse it.
Addison Brasil:Obviously my dad died of suicide, which in our family we consider that the same way you might die of cancer, of a heart attack. That's our viewpoint on that die of suicide. I would say what surprised me most was just how and this is pre-Robin Williams, I guess I guess what surprised me most was how quickly it all progressed, I guess, in a sense, and that he went from being the person we were just talking about like the life of the party, to really like deep-haring with life in a very serious, quick way. I think that this kind of serves as also just like a mental health advisory of just like there's no timeline on someone dealing with depression. It just happened very quickly and I remember thinking, okay, something's up, but if it was really bad it would be months, right, and then we would take him to a hospital, but he just seems really off this week, kind of thing. And that switch was there.
Addison Brasil:And so it surprises me because I always thought I always knew what my dad was thinking, like you didn't have to talk To me. Sometimes I felt like I was babysitting my dad in that way, like especially like I don't know, like the way he sort of behaves somewhere to my brother where I could like hear his thoughts, and so I think what surprised me the most is how clearly and protectively he probably was dealing with a lot more of that that I, like, wasn't aware of until much later when I started to dig and whatnot. So I think that that that that was surprising in someone who would be getting to know him now. Yeah, that's how I'd answer that I'll leave it there and pass it back to you.
Chris Caron:Yeah, let me pull up the next one. Mine go pretty deep Four o'clock in the morning. Baby, if there is another place that we go after our time on this planet, what is your dad doing right now, and who is he doing it with?
Addison Brasil:I'll tell you how my dad would like you to answer that, Exactly what he's doing and who he's doing it with. Yeah, super model, you know, I think if there is, I would hope that then he's with my brother and they're just doing what we've been talking about. I mean meeting the other people in the other place and like making them watch their stupid stand up specials that they put on themselves. I think honestly, like laughing and joking and and and and getting. The ultimate hope which probably was one of his ultimate hopes, Should he ever pass was that least in that sense he would be reconnected with my younger brother, who our listeners know died of a quaint or four years earlier, but I'll just say it again, in case we have any, in case Chris Karen's influence brings a whole slew of new people on, what about you?
Chris Caron:Well, my dad was seemingly like 14, 15 years older than your dad, so I think his circle is broadening. And wherever it is that we go, so I I would assume that he's enjoying a nice round of golf or tennis match with a friend, and then followed by a nice oh, duals or, or. I mean, let's face it, he can probably have the real stuff With my cousin, and my cousin died of melanoma two years ago at age 31, and she too was the life of the party, and those two didn't get to know each other that well because obviously he died 22 years ago. She would be 32. So, or 33., but anyway I would. I would hope that they're having a good chuckle over a nice beer.
Addison Brasil:And it's so true that only the good day on. So I guess us wicked witches will just be here till the end.
Chris Caron:Just be creeping around these streets.
Addison Brasil:Okay, um, next question Um, what's one thing this comes up a lot for me, losing my dad young, but like, what's one thing you wish, and it can be simple, it can be a one word answer what's one thing you wish you had learned from your dad something that you knew? He knew how to do, but he didn't teach you before he passed?
Chris Caron:Um well, if anyone knows me, I do not know how to shave my face correctly. I cut my face every time I bring a razor to it. Um, so, I think my mom did her best. She watched videos online, but I think I in the most simple way. That's something I wish my dad could have given me some some pointers on. How about you?
Addison Brasil:My dad used to like go on the weekends and like build people's decks for fun. I mean like he was a successful like stockbroker, trader, like whatever. But like he came from being like this, you know, poor Portuguese immigrant and he could build anything and like I just think it's wild that sometimes I feel like ill equipped to hang a picture and this man used to like build custom decks for fun on a Saturday. I'm like and well, like he finished people's basements, like. So I just like I just more of that kind of stuff. I just, you know, when I'm like trying to fix up my own house and stuff, I'm like God, I wish I, like I learned more of like those skills. Um, but you know, didn't Um, yeah, what's your next question?
Chris Caron:My next one is I already answered it for myself because I I don't abide by the one word answer rule, apparently something I'm learning about myself. I'm going to ask you because I'm curious Um, what is one surprising thing about your dad's personality?
Addison Brasil:Surprising thing about his personality. I think that it's fair to say and I want somebody once said to me, like you know, one thing you want to stay with with when you lose someone is either making them sort of like God or the devil, like eulogizing them, like too much or like like just allowing them to be real people and you can talk about those moments too. And I think what's surprising is that a lot of people didn't know how much stress he also had and how much that affected him and like he did everything to support us. And the man worked on commission his whole life, like you know and you know, through the crashes of 87, 2000, 2008,.
Addison Brasil:You know, and I think I think it was surprising to me how, how little other people could see into that because of his sort of Robin Williams like personality from the outside. And you know, I say that with complete respect that that's what was like offered to us and I've written that before about Robin Williams. But I just the surprising part was like how deeply, how deeply hurt he could be, how deeply sensitive and and stressed, and that how so few people realize that they saw his exuberance as like resilience, like beyond measure, and and you know like they were just times where you have to be like no, that's like still a real, real person, you know? Yeah, I think that's the honest answer, at least.
Chris Caron:Yeah, mine I mentioned about like the sensitive side, like that Okay.
Addison Brasil:What? What advice do you think your dad would give you today?
Chris Caron:Okay, this is my deal. I think my dad would encourage me to let go of some of the stuff that I unnecessarily ruminate on. I think he would just. I think my dad would bring me back to center and kind of highlight all of the things I should be proud of. I'm not sure if that answered the question.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, perfectly yeah, I think, interestingly enough, I make my dad this thing in my head of he'd be like be more responsible, do this with your money, whatever. But I honestly think if he could give me advice right now, he'd be like have the time for life. I really do think he'd try everything, go everywhere, do everything. As much as I think of him as sort of that just save money and whatever kind of guy. I really don't think that's the perspective that he would offer now, if that makes any sense.
Chris Caron:Totally. Yeah, my dad instilled such a work ethic in us and I think that he would. I think he would say to me like sit back, man, you did it Like. Now just let it happen, you know.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, I agree. Next question yes, is it me?
Chris Caron:Yeah, what's a meal or beverage, or both, that will always remind you of your dad.
Addison Brasil:The smell of Le Bathe, which is a Canadian beer, and he would like smother us and kisses and I can like smell that. And then my dad used to make this like lamb chop meal that just tasted so good and the way my dad sees, and steak, and it is like one of those other ones that I wish I knew exactly what he did, because we're like I'm sure, but it was just something we thought he'd always make, but so definitely like steak and Le Bathe ice. There's a free hat for Le Bathe.
Chris Caron:For me it's a little less sophisticated, but I guess the steak my dad, I'll always think of him when I have like cream cheese and jelly on a bagel and then he would have an after dinner drink of Sambuca, which is something that I never see. So if anyone has it nowadays, I just immediately think of it. It tastes like black licorice and it's hard to swallow.
Addison Brasil:When you think of your dad. If you had to pick one physical feature that's like oh, that's what I think of. What?
Chris Caron:is it? My dad had a big French nose.
Addison Brasil:I think I have to say eyes, which is weird because that's not what I thought when I originally said it, but yeah, I think his eyes or his smile. He would want me to say his six pack that he still had at 51 and he would show you at every event that he went to, which also I always thought I would die of embarrassment before either of these men died in my life. But that's not how it works.
Chris Caron:That's so good. Also, a mustache, a mustache. My dad had a mustache my whole life.
Addison Brasil:Which usually you would have some sort of as well.
Chris Caron:I just shaved it. Recently I had one for like seven or eight years.
Addison Brasil:It's you, yeah, next question.
Chris Caron:What's the most embarrassing thing? This is good. What's the most embarrassing thing your dad ever did to you as a kid?
Addison Brasil:As a kid.
Chris Caron:Or as a person. Yeah, as a person.
Addison Brasil:You're a kid and then you become a person.
Addison Brasil:Delineation you heard that here today. Kid, one day you'll be a person Very good. Most embarrassing thing, oh God, everything this man ever did embarrassed me. I don't know why I'm so shy. There was an instance in high school where my brother caught me doing something with my girlfriend at the time and my brother and my father in like, because my brother at the time was going through his brain tumor battle. These two men just would not leave me alone but in the presence of neurosurgeons and nurses and just like, kept teasing me and bringing it up in front of everybody and talking about it, and they just knew that it just embarrassed me so, so deeply.
Chris Caron:But in retrospect I think that was one of the most joyful days of their lives to just really torture me like that For me, I was famous for not bringing my textbooks home to like to do my homework and my dad would get super frustrated because they would have to like drive me back to like. Truly, it was just I was just postponing doing the homework, I wasn't even not going to do the homework, they just had to then drive me back to school and I remember my dad went in in like the tightest high water sweatpants and like and we were walking through the hallways when I was in junior high, seventh or eighth grade and like everyone saw him, just like walking with me, and I was mortified by the appearance of it all and I never got over it.
Addison Brasil:And then my next question is like what's one thing you think your dad wished he did better?
Chris Caron:And you don't have to go deep but I think that maybe my dad had aspirations to be a writer. He had aspirations to like take a creative route, and I think that he he got caught up in high school and beyond and he didn't really, he didn't even, he didn't really see that through and I think that in a, if he had another shot at it, he would have done that better. He would have, he would have found that, realized that dream for himself.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, I think honestly, probably. I mean, my parents were very young when our family got started and I think that in retrospect they both maybe, especially him maybe wouldn't have involved us so much in like the inner knowing of it all as children. And I won't go into it, they can wait for the memoir, but I think there's one specific day where I think he wished he protected me, and that's just. You know he's a fully feeling, fully thought human being and that we all have that one thing. You know that we actually did so I just want to make sure I asked a question like that, not just praising, and you know doing that?
Chris Caron:What did he do for a living?
Addison Brasil:That was one of my questions. He was a stock trader. He built him his way up from nothing. My dad didn't go past ninth grade in high school. He kind of had a few jobs. He worked in the kitchen at a hospital. He met someone that worked in the stock market and just kind of became like this, from what I understand, sort of like the rookie, junior, new guy that was just kind of killing it in the early nineties on the stock exchange floor, and one of the other stockbrokers actually is who introduced my parents as well. So yeah, he did.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, he was like I used to go when I was little and like when it was like the floor and they'd all be trading and yelling and the operators on the phone, like it was like my favorite thing to do to skip school and go to work with my dad. It was just like it was insane. It was it was Wolf of Wall Street, but the Canadian version, so the polite Wolf of Wall Street basically. But yeah, that's what he did when I was growing up.
Chris Caron:My dad was an electrician. He was a union man and he got to do some really fun jobs Like he worked at the US Open every summer. So we got to go to the tennis open and he did. He had one highly secretive government job that I asked my mom if I could talk about on this podcast and she said no so I'll tell you later.
Addison Brasil:Just shut up. Do I have to edit that? No, it's just. And then everything goes black. Yeah, the episode never airs. Okay, we're rounding out on our last two questions, which I have been inspired and shifted a little bit, so I'm trying to decide which I want to do, but you know what. That can be 12. Okay, so I'm going to ask what is your relationship with your dad like now?
Chris Caron:Okay, this is. I'm going to piggyback on it so that we can answer them both at the same time, because mine is what is one thing that has happened to you that you've taken as a sign from your dad, and I think that those two things are pretty interconnected.
Addison Brasil:And that was a very polite way of saying. I get to ask my question first and I have for the last nine. You idiot. Okay, do you want to go first and piggyback both?
Chris Caron:No, let's just do that. So what? Oh yeah, what's the relationship that I have with my dad now? My dad is part of my everyday life. I talk about my dad honestly almost every day.
Chris Caron:The loss of my dad has become a defining experience for me and it has shaped my personality exponentially. So it comes up a lot in conversation. I have a spiritual connection to my dad. I see signs from my dad. Every time my family sees a red cardinal, we think and I know that that's something that everyone kind of relates to their family members who have passed. But we have some really cool moments. I was going through a bunch of callbacks for a job that I really, really wanted back when I was an actor and every time I got another callback I saw a cardinal. And in the final callback, right before I went in, I hadn't seen a cardinal, but someone in the waiting room was watching a game on their phone and screamed go cardinals as I was walking into the room. So I was like I took that as a sign and I always look for little signs and little ways to connect with my dad. That's our current relationship.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, it's interesting. A lot of people may resonate with this, but I was a lot more that way with my brother. But then, because my dad's death was traumatic and had an element of PTSD to it, I sort of had to let go of everything that wasn't another person standing beside me would say was physically in the room. I just got to a place where, because of flashbacks and whatnot, I was just trying so hard to decipher between all of that that look with my dad a harder part of my dad as well. I worked through the post-traumatic response of it as I sort of also lost any sense of spirituality or God.
Addison Brasil:I was brought up Catholic but at that point was more spiritual, I would say my relationship now with my dad. I have a very different point of view on all of it. I think of it kind of like the he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, but Santa Claus of it all. I don't like the idea that, like my dad and my brother are somewhere like watching me, like for the rest of my life, so like I feel like they are energetically released and my relationship with my dad right now I would say is of great appreciation, the amount of times I realize I'm now 34 and just like just things, every day where I go, I pay for something, or somebody says like something about their kids or whatever, and I go, god, like he really like he did so much for us and he was so like, so good to us, you know, and so it's. It lives in appreciation, if that makes any sense.
Addison Brasil:And yeah, I don't really, I don't really like the signs, I don't know why, but for whatever reason it doesn't bring me more peace. I know that it does others, but it doesn't. And like, I mean this parable ticket right here. Trust me, if there was a way that man could get through, it would have happened. But yeah, no, I am. I actually take a lot more peace and this is probably going to resonate for other people who maybe have suffered traumatic loss.
Addison Brasil:But with both my friend and my dad, I take a lot more peace in the lack of their presence, because it makes me feel like they're free and they're, you know, either they're both actually dancing in energy wherever, wherever they are, and that is hard to say, because it would be easier for me to like try to keep him, you know, and I do talk my appreciation out loud, but whether or not I feel like you know there's a real phone line, there is something I'm blurry on and that's why grief clubs for life. You know figuring that out always. So, yeah, whoo that one. All right, our last question. What's your last question?
Chris Caron:What's one accomplishment you wish you'd been able to share with your dad?
Addison Brasil:Hmm, no-transcript the future accomplishment of building my family.
Addison Brasil:I think my dad was just the dude to be ultimate father-in-law and grandfather and that is something that just always, kind of just in the quiet of the night, gets me that.
Addison Brasil:You know, my kids maybe will listen to this, or my partner will listen to the stories and get the gist. But there's something my dad sort of did have that movie star kind of weird thing, and there's just something about being in his presence that my brother had it too, but like that, you that you had to be there. So I just I wish that in those future accomplishments and to me that will be one of my biggest accomplishments, because the one for one lesson of my grief was subconsciously do not love again, do not connect, do not build a family, because you'll lose people, you know, and so that will. That is like one of the greatest accomplishments I've been working towards and I know it's a future accomplishment but I'm going to manifest it. You know that when I, when I do find that and build that for myself, that that I won't be able to share, and the the comedians side of me is also like, well, half my accomplishments are because he died, so I don't know how to answer that.
Addison Brasil:I mean so much of like writing a book about grief and about yeah, yeah, yeah yeah because I'm like well, I wish you was here, we could just have beers and I could be, like, you know, not have accomplished anything actually.
Chris Caron:Right, right, I'm sure there's more.
Addison Brasil:You know, like you know yeah but yeah.
Chris Caron:Yeah, I think I'm on the same page when it comes to future accomplishments. Like, I do wish that my dad could have met my, my niece and nephew, and and he just he too was just caught out to be grandpa of the year. But one thing that I think I wish I could have shared with him is the act of coming out I. I had a really difficult time with it, and I think I had a difficult time with it because of his passing. So, similarly, it may not be the same story, because I was ready and prepared to do it at age 14 and then the his death kind of like took me on a completely different path.
Chris Caron:So, who knows, maybe it just would have been a completely different scenario, but I would have been really proud for that Like, as I mentioned earlier, that rough and tumble ball player from Queens to like be so super proud of his gay son. You know and and I know he was, because I would be remiss, not to mention my favorite story that he waited at Radio City Music Hall to get me an autograph from Liza Minnelli when I was eight years old and he brought it home with a Wizard of Oz coffee table book. So I know he. I know he was already on board, but I wish we could have celebrated that and he could have experienced what it was like to live on my side of the fence.
Addison Brasil:I almost made it without tears. That's beautiful and I would be remiss if we're remiss. I'll tell the story. I think I recently told you this, but I'll never forget when we were at like Dairy and Lake or whatever those theme parks are, where the person has to guess, like your weight or your age or whatever, and if they get it wrong, then you, then you, you get a prize. I don't know what question I got asked that they got it wrong because I was obviously eight years old and eight.
Addison Brasil:But I won and I just remember looking at all the prizes and there was this framed picture of Reba McIntyre. That was like fake sign.
Chris Caron:And I'm like.
Addison Brasil:I want that. And my dad just looked at me and was like you are something, but of course, and I love you, you know, and it was just there were those moments where I had those same similar moments where it's whatever you're going to be in this world, like I love you.
Addison Brasil:I had and I know that is so rare in our community, but I had that from both my mother and my brother so many times where it was almost like chill, you know, but it I always felt that, you know, and obviously I danced at the highest level all the way through way before it was cool way before. So you think, like you know, just at every competition I mean you traveled all the way to Germany just to see me compete at the Worlds and you know like just couldn't be more proud, and especially then when dancing with the stars, and so you think him out, he's like yeah that's what he does, you know, like just whatever.
Addison Brasil:So yeah, I am, I love that, okay. Last question is mine If, if you knew, one sentence could fully reach your dad right now, what would you say?
Chris Caron:Don't do this to me.
Addison Brasil:I got to do it for the ratings. Kid.
Chris Caron:Do you have yours? Because I need a moment to think about it. I think I have one sentence to say to my dad, who has been gone for 22 years, and you want me to come up with it right now.
Addison Brasil:I think that's the beauty of it, though, is just take a breath, and in this moment, what would you say? Right now, one sentence is going through.
Chris Caron:I think I would say thank you for all of the love that you showed me, even when it was challenging for you to maybe accept the child that I was, and thank you for the path that you have laid out for me, because I do believe that my dad is, walks with me and I don't think he's there every moment, I don't think he looks at my most disgraced times, you know, but I do think that my dad, or a version of my dad, or the belief in who my dad was, or his belief in me, has led me to all of the successes that I have found in this life and I think I would say thank you, and maybe I would say thank you and I'm sorry, because my dad deserved a lot more time.
Addison Brasil:Beautiful. Yeah, I think, like I was saying earlier, just like the back end of the appreciation, I would definitely just be saying thank you, I love you and I understand, yeah, you know, which is lovely. Okay, so we I mean really quickly, like is there anything?
Chris Caron:I'm like it better be quick. My makeup is about to run, honey.
Addison Brasil:Okay, that's the segue. We always send this show with find the funny. So, instead of doing our own, find the funny is because I don't want the world to know what we find funny means that we exchange just really quickly. Like what would like have your dad in a riot? Where would he find the funny? I mean, like what movie, what comedy, like what? Like where is he laughing so hard his gut hurts?
Chris Caron:You know what's interesting is, I really couldn't tell you the answer to that. That's my biggest, that's something that really stumps me, because I didn't know my dad as an adult man. I didn't know my dad when I was an adult man and like so, like 13 years old, we weren't watching the same.
Addison Brasil:Yeah, like when you picture him laughing, what like, what's happening?
Chris Caron:Does anyone know? No, nothing.
Addison Brasil:I mean I like try to end the show on a nice funny note and you're like. I can't remember my dad ever laughing.
Chris Caron:No, my dad was always laughing. Let me answer the question. My dad was always laughing. It just wasn't a movie or a television show that would bring that laughter.
Addison Brasil:Okay, okay, got you.
Chris Caron:If I'm picturing my dad laughing, it is tailgating after his baseball game. All my uncles were on a baseball team called the rank amateurs and every Sunday we went to watch them play and they did banner days for the kids and there were activities for the entire family. And every week after the game there would be a tailgate where they would stay in the parking lot and have a couple of beers and they would put you who in the coolers for myself, my sister, my cousins and the other kids that were around. And then we would go to Benegins, which is, I think, a chain restaurant, and they would all hang by the bar and then the wives would go and sit with the kids and feed us dinner and stuff like that. And I have vivid memories of my dad and his rank amateurs baseball uniform with all of my uncles just having like a huge cackle. So it was all rooted in community and family and community, family and fun. I love that.
Addison Brasil:I love that. And then I'm like my dad, like love, like the dumbest, like, like whatever, like the thing that you roll your eyes at, like at the time, like the comedy they're just trying too hard like not the hits, but like the off Adam Sandler or like the off David Spade of it, like you know, that sort of like just dumb, dumb, like Kim and my brother, just love like dumb, funny things, like the misty misty lady, like, just like doing voices and just like that stuff for sure. And we have a very special connection with Mrs Doubtfire as well, oh yeah, and our family for sure, and he just would do like sort of all the voices and all those things. So that's, that's definitely how I I picture him. All right, well, music's going to play us out. One word to check out. Thank you so much for being here, buddy. My word checking out is grateful. I'll let you have the last word.
Chris Caron:Yeah, I think my word is maybe the same. I'm really grateful for your friendship. I'm really grateful to be here and I'm grateful for this conversation and the time and the space to honor our dads. It's not. It's not a conversation that you get to dive deep into regularly. So it's nice to have a friend that that can kind of shoot the shit in this way.
Addison Brasil:I appreciate that. I knew you'd try to sneak in something sentimental.
Chris Caron:You're like, can you just do? One word answers Exactly.
Addison Brasil:I would have named this episode the rank. Amateurs talk about their dead dads and try to do it in one word or less and fail.
Chris Caron:Thank you so much for having me All right, all right.
Addison Brasil:Well, grief club. That's the show. If you enjoyed it, please let us know by liking and leaving review. This will help as many people who may need what we're talking about find it the fastest. Remember to honor the journey and when that gets tough, find the funny.
